hay

i'm thinking of closing down this blog.
nandun sa description nakasulat "cause chaos to my friends". although joke lang yon, it seems to have been very successful with what it implied.
ito ang outlet ng nararamdaman ko, wala ng iba. pero syempre ang dating nito sa iba, e backstab. paninira, sana kung hindi totoo ang mga nakasulat dito... e di puwede ka naman magcomment, may link dito sa baba.
i hate how you'll look like the bad person pag ikaw ang nagblog. syempre makiki-sympathize yung mga kaibigan nung tinamaan... if only they knew the TRUTH... they'd probably do the same thing. gaya ng point na napagusapan kanina sa meeting namin ni paul at ni sir rick, kung sana nandun ka lang din, tsaka mo lang majujudge talaga kung sino ba talaga ang tama at mali.

i'm shutting this down. i'll still be blogging, pero dun na sa kung saan walang nakakaalam. kainis kasi may umeextra at gumagawa ng kwento. kelangan ko ng labasan ng sama ng loob :) di ko na maaalis yon.

i've done a lot of mistakes, hindi ako perfect. kung ako ang pinapatamaan sa comments, i'd wish na kung may guts sila na kausapin ako, magusap na lang kami nang direkta. kung ako ang nagkamali ako pa magsosorry at luluhod sa harap nila. halikan ko pa paa nila kung gusto nila hehehe.

anyway, goodbye po. this ends "chugoink"

and a stranger came in..

slowly.. i'm trying to forget all the bad things that ever happened for the past years, lahat sila naging daan para maging.. kung ano na ako ngayon hehe. yung nakaraang taon ang pinaka-challenging na taon na dinanas ko so far.. siguro.. marami mga failures.. pero isipin ko ano nga ba mga ang mga magagandang nangyari... marami hehe.. ewan ko ba.. may mga gusto akong ilagay dito.. pero siguradong may mga bagay na mas mabuti pang .. sa akin na lang.

so here i am, i think i got older even if i don't really feel like it. i've already lived this long but still unable to reach "that" goal.. sa iba shallow lang yun syempre.. sa akin, it's a "need"..

last time i've decided to finally end what i tried to start last feb 12.. ang kulang na lang for me to forget about her.. was my camera. i already sent aims' sister a message so i can get it back, she said we'd meet this friday. then that's it.. to further sign and seal the end of the ordeal.. cinonfess ko sa ate niya that i like aims but wasn't doing really well.. talk about adding insult to injury.. what's the better line for it.. to put the last nail in the coffin..

ewan.. partly, i'm still hoping .. baka sakaling puwede pa rin. pero para siguro hindi lang masaktan lalo.. kasi parang rejection na din.. mas gusto kong isipin syempre na ako na ang nagmomove on :P

we're all tough in the outside, but soft in the ... innards (lol)


anyway.. wala na masulat haha.. next time na lang siguro ulit..

happy birthday hahahaha!

stupid fuck

so yun, after a little drama.. natawagan ko siya. nung una medyo naiinis ako. tapos unang tawag binaba.. nung naging kalmado na ako, tinawagan ko ulit (although ineexpect ko hindi naman niya sasagutin)... pero watda sinagot niya rin. tapos yun:

ben: "hello?"
aims: "hello? (ginaya yung mababang tono)
ben: "*watda* wahahaha! aims?"

so nakausap ko siya.. ayun pala. all along i realize, ayaw niya ng ganun. probably may mga messages ako na nagpa-ilang sa kaniya. i was stupid.. sabi niya ayaw niya lang ng ganun. i said sorry.. and asked kung galit pa rin ba siya sa akin, sabi niya hindi, at makulit ako.. "kuya" pa rin ang tawag niya sa akin. so.. wala. nagblank utak ko hahaha. kasi pumasok yung scenario na hindi ko inaasahan. sabi ko nakalimutan ko na lahat ng sasabihin ko. sabi niya, o sige.. kakain pa lang siya kakabalik lang kasi niya from tarlac.

i guess we're alright now. except that.. we'll if i am truly still gonna be going for her. i need to take things really slow now.. sumobrang bilis ko. kilalanin ko muna siya. at the same time, wag ako sobrang focused sa kaniya. sabi nga ni mhars, konting pakipot hehe.

so i put a stat sa facebook. imagine.. kanina sobrang init ng ulo ko. if i hadn't followed don's advice, iba na siguro ang scenario:
1. tatawag ako
2. i'll confess head on
3. pag hindi niya sinagot, dedelete ko lahat na ng comments ko sa kaniya
4. delete friend

yung hot-headed na steps na yan.. sobrang immature at stupid. mas malala pa sa suicide. sobrang tinawanan ko sarili ko.. ganun na lang..

there's just so much good you can do when you're calm

i learned a lot today..

the lord giveth, and he taketh away..

ang kalsada

grabe.. pagkatapos makapanood ng pangalawang post-apocalyptic movie (yun ba tawag don?).. parang gusto ko lang magpasalamat na buhay pa ako. masaya ako na buhay pa ako hahaha... kanina nanood naman ako ng "the road".. simple lang ang storya.. nakakaantok. pero natuwa ako sa part nung nakakita sila ng isang underground na puro pagkain.. parang... ampowta.. PAGKAIN!! WOOHOO!! JACKPOT!..

la lang.. napaisip ako.. pano kung bukas patay na ako, o kaya parents ko o kaibigan o kapatid.. bilis lang ng buhay..

so yun.. nung naglalakad lakad ako sa mall.. nakangiti lang ako lol. di ko alam bakit ako parang "masaya" haha.. yun yung before nung movie.. ewan. sabog hahaha.

hohum

so good morning.

she didn't get online last night. too bad, i waited for nothing haha.
even if mhars told me, that i already know what the result is, may be i just don't want to give up,
i think i may be getting tired of chasing after them, tired of getting rejected or failing hehe.
i dunow, may be i'll just take a break from that already. kakasawa na din. ako pa naman mabilis magsawa. so i checked out cosplay.ph, and made me realize how stupid i am, i can't go without a cam lol..

so where's the cam?

nevermind haha... may event sana mamaya pero wag na lang... sa 3/27 na lang. may be i'll take it back by that time.

iono, try ako siguro for the last time.

whoopdeedoo, sa May may violin play kaming mga students sa may UST.. how ironic, sa school pa nila.. what we'll play, i dunow yet, canon in D, and then kami na daw bahala.. hehehe. as if. sa ngayon ang natutugtog ko na... HAHA.. at least hindi na twinkle twinkle... LP new divide na whew...
praktis praktis, karirin ko na to. and make 4kphp per hour (joke).

oddball

it's funny. we were playing with pencils.. doing some weird.. wrestling or something.. we had our pencils on our hands, pushing. what looked like 2 swords pressing against each other, then one of them broke.. the unbroken pencil pushed straight with its lead.. piercing the skin near the left side of my nose.. leaving a black mark. we were grade school students back then.

now the mark is gone. things are different. she now has a baby.. her husband, who looked like my cousin.. nah, not really my cousin, but the son of a really close friend of my mom. she's happy.

kakalungkot somewhat haha. tumatanda na tayo. lahat na ng mga kakilala ko kinakasal na. yet i'm still somewhat alone lol. it might be stupid pero siguro yun na isa kong naging ... disturbing? cumbersome, irritating ... goal at the moment haha. to hopefully find that perfect someone.

so i make a fool out of myself.. searching for that someone, sacrificing.. and stuff. people laugh at you.. and things .. but you just want to prove to yourself that even if you're going to fail, at least give it all you've got until you really do. and even if people think it's wrong, what IS wrong anyway... i'll still try anyway.

where's the fun in life if you keep doing things right? who said that was right anyway.. if it came from someone... aren't you trying to live his life? trying to live how he/she did? since it's "tried and tested", "proven to be right".. doesn't that mean that somebody has done it that way already?..

ah man.. my head. hahahaha. makalaro na nga lang muna ehehehehe

sweet success

that felt really good.. it was nothing big. pero nagkaron kasi ng bug dun sa deployed live graphs.. at first we couldn't figure it out. kasi gumagana sa ibang pages pero may dalawa lang na hindi.. tapos usap kami ni eli, then nalaman namin ang fix. HAYUN! woot! gumana... wala lang.. hahaha. i know i've been pretty unlucky lately laluna sa pagibig, this one's a sight for sore eyes hahaha.. the simple joys